In any relationship, communication is a very big part of the success or failure of that relationship, whether it be one with a family member, friend, co-worker or lover. Think about your job and how when things go wrong it’s largely due to inefficient communication. Either people fail to communicate properly or they’re not doing it at all. Look at your relationship in a similar light. If you aren’t getting what you want out of it or the same problems keep arising, you may need to reevaluate your communication skills.

1. Be Pro-active – Sometimes it’s necessary to come right out and ask for what you want. Waiting for someone to “get the hint” is just going to build resentment within you that will eventually come out later in the form of anger. The first step in communicating is actually talking to the other person. Tell them how you feel, what it is that you want or need, and how they can go about fulfilling your needs.

2. Listen – Maybe he doesn’t talk as much as you and you tend to dominate most conversations. Try to listen and ask questions when he does talk about something instead of launching into a story of your own. Really listening to another person and asking questions pertinent to their story will encourage them to do it more often.

3. Arguing – Though arguing is unavoidable and often good for a relationship as people are different and will disagree at times, if you are arguing all the time, examine the reasons why. Is it the same issue? Instead of arguing, try to get your point across in a positive way. Moving straight to anger puts him/her on the defensive. Remember, its not about winning or losing its about compromise and if you feel that your relationship is worth it.

4. Time Out – If things are getting too heated during an argument or you seem to be fighting in a circle, take a time out. Go to separate areas and try to clear your head. Sometimes we get so angry in the heat of the moment only to later wonder why we were so mad. Taking a breather can take some of the edge off a battle over something that may not be all that important to either of you.

5. Write it down – If you are angry or hurt and want to be sure to get out everything you want to say to the other person, try writing it down first. Write down everything you want to say to that person and include how you feel. When you take the time to put words on paper you think more about what you are trying to convey and choose your words more carefully. You may find that simply writing it all down has enabled you to vent and you no longer feel so hurt or angry. You still want to discuss the issue but you are in a better state of mind to do so and more likely to resolve the issue without the drama.

6. Self-awareness – Be aware of your own patterns of behavior. If you feel like you are starting to get upset or take something personally, try to breathe through it and think about why it is so upsetting. Most often it’s how we perceive what others do that causes us to feel angry or upset. Why do certain things upset us? Is it because of issues in the present or in the past? Becoming more attuned to yourself will aid you in cultivating positive relationships with others.

7. Avoid – Try not to belittle, blow off or throw insults. These are hurtful things done in anger and can create more problems than the one at hand. You may solve this issue but later your partner will think, “Did he/she really mean that or was he just angry?” or “I can’t believe he could say he loves me and say such things to me.” Make an attempt to understand and accept where the other person is coming from. There are two people in the relationship and both of your feelings are equally important. Blowing off the other’s concerns will only cause new ones to sprout.