I want to start by saying...super aunt, you are fantastic. Thank you so much for your comments! I am tickled that someone actually keeps up with this...

What a day! I woke up WAY too early. I died when I went to sleep. Luckily it was deep enough to not let me remember my dreams. I am sure they were messy...better forgotten. Mom stayed in her room, and we ended up sitting on the bed chatting. I forget how it came up, but she said "you know, I am really suprised you haven't heard from T yet". Come on, I had to tell her...no way could I let that go...
She took it well. She has been warning me it was coming...we have gotten so close these past few months, and she is more open minded than I have ever given her credit for. Don't get me wrong...she's not happy about it, and her warnings were clear, as was her unconditional love for me.

T called me at work tonight...and again we talked. It feels different to talk to him now. I don't really know how to describe it. Not numb, not indifferent....kinda, well, I feel like I have myself well enough guarded that I can handle talking to him. It does hurt...but the ache has been healing...hell it's been almost 8 months. The only way he can hurt me again is if I hold on to what was. I know now that all of that is long gone.

He sent me an e-mail. I am so tempted to post it... He says he doesn't want anything...and he knows that an apology would be an insult. He just wanted to let me know...he saw the monster he had become and was finally ashamed...it's a long e-mail...telling me things that I needed to hear from him...not so I'll go running back to him, but to heal the cracks and holes in my self confidence...ones that his actions had put there...so many baby steps....

I don't know...I did tell him that while e-mailing was ok, I am not ready to see him. I have no intentions of going up there to see him anytime soon.
I DO have every intention of going out with R this weekend...if he calls. He is supposed to come home. I don't know why I want to e-mail with T, but I do...but there is no way I can allow myself to cut off everything else for him again. I will not stop anything that I have been doing (not that I have been doing anything...hell no sex since...well, T) or put anything on hold simply b/c he has found his way back into my life...

I just don't know..

But do know, fellow bloggers, that I have not forgotten the lessons learned...and I am a smarter, stronger woman b/c of them. Who knows what the future holds...maybe T will move for awhile and make something of himself and finally be who I thought he was...or maybe R will call, and blow my mind this weekend....

At least I don't feel panicky...just lonely....but I am really OK

Good night...