I have so many thoughts running through my head right now...so many things I would like to say....but my head tells me NO! Keep your thoughts to yourself. No need to burden anyone with your dirty little secrets. No need to open yourself up to whatever others may think. The reason that I ALMOST kept myself incognito here on greasy...to say things that float through my brain, without anyone really knowing who I am, without letting myself be open to hurting, to be open to those ugly feelings of "not being good enough".....things I've battled my whole life.

I feel the pain in so many blogs, either through my own experiences personally, or because of experiences I've shared with others close to me. I also share in the beauty and joy in so many blogs, for the same reasons. But I don't know what I can trust myself to say.....what I can safely feel is okay to share. I have tried to reach out to others, and sometimes it has been good. Recently, one particular reaching out has felt like I overstepped my bounds. I won't name names, but it is someone who has lived a life that I just can hardly even imagine....all the abuse, and now the negative thoughts that continue to haunt them. I have lived that life, only in a different way. I had a grandmother whose three brothers all committed suicide, all using the same gun....I have a close relative who has spent most of their life contemplating, even planning their own demise, until they were saved by the proper combination of medications and therapy. I have had an ex husband who took that route...not getting the help that was out there for him. And so I try to reach out, to offer my thoughts, my concerns, and any advice that I think could be of help. But I will just keep those things to myself.....I will not push them upon anyone who does not wish to hear what I have to say.

Don't take this as a negative blog.....I just have always had a hard time opening up to people, really baring my soul. I am heartened by blogs like Janet's and Don's...openly sharing their love....sex and all.....because that is a part of it. There are so many others as well. I am proud to call myself a friend to all of you....and hope that you feel the same about me. But if you don't....that's okay. I only need to be true to me. I need to be true to the realization that not everyone wants or needs MY help. You know who you are that I sent a note to....so here in a public forum....I am sorry for overstepping my bounds. I meant no harm.

I have always felt that I just wasn't quite "good enough". But with the help of my sweet love, the Slick One, I have come so far in knowing that I AM good enough. And that I am better than good enough. I am deserving of love, and happiness. And that I'm NOT going to be liked by everyone. That was one of my biggest hangups for the longest time. I would think "well what if they don't like me?"......well, you know....when I stop and think about it....with some people, I really don't CARE if they like me. Because honestly, I really don't like them....I don't like who they are, I don't like what they seem to stand for.....so why would it matter what they think of me? It's kinda like being a parent....we want our kids to like us, to think highly of us, to always seek out our sage advice (and then follow it, of course!!). Most people really want to be "friends" with their children. But you know what.....I wasn't put here to be their friend...I am their parent, I am to lead and guide them. I am the one who has to say NO when they want to hear YES. I am the one who is to gently guide them, through love and discipline, to teach them right from wrong. If we can be friends through it all, that is wonderful. But like a key chain I saw many years ago that said "I was put on this earth to make your life miserable"......that pretty much sums up parenthood! For me, in the long run, all the pain and suffering, the heartaches and the times that they "hated" me.....they now can see that everything I did, I did because I loved them...unconditionally....forever and ever! I couldn't ask for a better relationship with each of my kids. I am Truly blessed yet again.

This is such a rambling blog....and there are so many more things I could say.....I think I'll just stop for now. I do have a mental list of things to get done today...think I need to put them on paper so I can actually accomplish them.

I'll have to work on the exclamation point blog.....and the, 'you know' and 'Right!' and 'Exactly' blog!! I think it will be one blog......on another day.

From my heart to yours.....lots of love and hugs and prayers!

Comments:

I am so sorry that you thought I didn't want or need your help. Yes you are good enough. I just had a busy weekend. I am so sorry for making you feel the way I did. It was nothing personal. Jus on the weekends I may pop in and check e-mails. BUt with Hubby home along with the boys I have very little time for anything else.. I have added you to my friend list.
Gail Marie

I have so many comments... hope that's ok.
If you did what your heart told you to do in trying to reach out and help someone, then you did your best. It's not your fault if the receiving party isn't ready or doesn't want your wisdom. We do what we need to do to try to help others... that's all you can do.

On befriending the kids: I hope to be friends with my kids when they're older. My Mom is my best friend though it wasn't nearly like that growing up. She did what she had to do to make me a productive member of society and I didn't always agree back then, but now I model myself after her. My main goal with my kids is to never have them doubt for a second that they are loved, wanted and cherished dearly.

In revealing your thoughts: Again, this is your blog. You say or don't say whatever you decide.

I am your friend.

Ah yes... not feeling like we are good enough... I wonder if that feeling ever ceases???
{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

comment by kristilyn3 on June 2, 2008 2:12 PM ()

I don't know if it does cease...I do know that it can lessen. I still have 'pangs' of feeling that way, but for the most part, I know that I am loved for exactly who I am and what I am and all that I have been and will be. And that just has to be GOOD ENOUGH!!

reply by dakmom on June 2, 2008 2:17 PM ()

yes I do call you my friend! not sure what is going on but some people are not receptive to help at all. they are not at a place where they can say they need help or that someone could possibly help them. I think you are a caring sensitive person. I am also the type who wants everyone to like me. but I am learning, I don't need everyone to like me. hang in there.

comment by elkhound on June 2, 2008 2:06 PM ()

As optimistic of a person as I am, when I see someone who it feels to me is reaching out for help, and then they don't want it, it makes me skeptical. I wonder whether what they are saying is really the truth and they just aren't really ready to hear from anyone or whether it is sort of the truth with much embellishment or whether it is downright lies. I'm probably like most people, feeling that I have great words to impart, that could possibly change someone's life for the better and forever. I too, call you my friend! and for that I am truly thankful!!!

reply by dakmom on June 2, 2008 2:19 PM ()

I think I know the exact feeling you speak of and it is suffocating. I can only offer this advice. I know for a fact that if you do feel like sharing with us what is bothering you and on your mind, you will not be judged or seen negatively by your friends here at greasy. I have known most of these people for around 3 years and their compassion amazes me. They never cease to amaze me. I can also say that if you choose to not blog about it, maybe writing it in a paper journal would help (I usually prefer the positive feedback of a blog though). The important thing is that you deal with what is bothering you and start seeing yourself as worthy of the friendship and love you receive

comment by firststarisee on June 2, 2008 1:11 PM ()

I think in a lot of ways, it isn't the friends who are still somewhat strangers that I would hesitate to open up to, it is the people on here who really know me, personally. The fear that they may misinterpret what I am saying.....or that maybe they would hear things I really didn't want them to know about me. You know, there are just some things better left unsaid! Overall, I'm in a good place, mentally....I just had so many random things flitting through my brain this morning...but nothing sticking around long enough to bring me down at all. The email I sent to someone just seemed to be rejected, and that made me sad in a way but made me feel like I had stepped where I shouldn't, which made me feel even worse! I'm better about it now. If they want to talk, they will, if they don't want to, they won't and that's okay.

reply by dakmom on June 2, 2008 2:22 PM ()

HUGS

comment by meranda on June 2, 2008 10:39 AM ()

Thanks! We can all use hugs now and again! And I needed a couple extra today. Especially since the Slick One is still out of town

reply by dakmom on June 2, 2008 2:22 PM ()

Life can be challenging indeed particularly as we grow older. I wouldn't try to find solace in the acceptance of others if we live the good life. It's with ourselves we ned to seek peace. I'm truly amazed at the past tragedies you've faced. Even in the most painful life experiences we look for some wisdom as a result. I wish you the very best...it's alwys in this present moment we can affect change and that's where I always try to stay...

comment by strider333 on June 2, 2008 9:22 AM ()

I have a 'thing' on my refrigerator, that I refer to often.....a revision to the Serenity Prayer. This one says "God grant me the Serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the ONE that I can and the wisdom to KNOW THAT IT IS ME!!" I have come so far, and the road is still ahead of me.....a road I cherish! Thanks for stoppin' by to see me!

reply by dakmom on June 2, 2008 10:15 AM ()

I wish that just teaching the kids the difference between right and wrong would be enough, but they make their own choices often contrary to what they have been taught. I enjoy your blogs and appreciate you.

comment by angiedw on June 2, 2008 8:59 AM ()

Boy, you said it "but they make their own choices often contrary to what they have been taught"

It is so painful when you witness your child make mistakes one after the other, so contrary to the way they were raised. You can't want for them more than they want for themselves, but I feel like the dreams I had for my oldest child and nowhere near what she will suffer in this life... sigh...

reply by shesaidwhat on June 3, 2008 5:06 AM ()

Oh yes....we try to teach them right from wrong, but must let them make their own path. I have dealt with a child who always chose the hard road...even though he walked in plain view of an easier way. As he said to me once "mom, I just always wanted to do it my way, even when I knew that my way didn't work."
Thanks for the nice compliment. I enjoy your blogs as well! Thanks for stopping by.

reply by dakmom on June 2, 2008 10:13 AM ()