I'm feeling really down and disappointed with my marriage. This man isn't who I thought he was. I thought he would defend me until death if necessary. I've been treated really badly by people who don't know me but know him. He knows what they've said & done & is just a little "peeved" at them. On my side, he's all over me about "what should I do? cut them out of my life?"

Sorry, but to me, yes. If they cannot respect your spouse & not lie & stay out of your marriage then YES. Ditch them & honor our commitment together.

Don't say you love me & run in their direction to be sure they're ok or keep going to them for any thing they can do for you because they don't deserve that. They don't apologize to ME but they do to him and he is like, "That's ok. It's alright." ... continuing the relationship.

Fuck that. The bitches should've contacted me, kissed MY ass & NOT HIS. Then he SHOULDN'T have bent over and kissed theirs back.

Fuck it that it's "my fault" because I wanted our personal life to be private. He KNOWS what that means. It means I don't want crazies chasing us around (I have a totally mental ex). It means I don't want anyone to know our daily schedules or all the possessions we don't & do have.

BIG FUCKING DEAL.

It DOESN'T mean don't tell anyone you got married or that you are in love with me. Now nearly everyone cannot fathom him being with me so long, getting married or anything else.

What the hell is his problem??

It's like he WANTS me to get fed up and leave. He wants to do NOTHING in this marriage but NOT be there for me. He wants his cake & eat it too & I've warned him that is NOT going to happen with me.

I want him to cut ties with these people. He won't have the balls to do it without comforting them in some way. Just watch.

So the deal is this:

Me or Them.

If they're "not important" this SHOULD'VE been a TOTAL NO BRAINER from the start. Since it has gone this far, I think I've been played for one of the most stupidest people in the world.

I wonder if I'm just a baby machine & housekeeper.

I wonder if he really knows me or can see who I am.

I feel like I've been hurt so much in the last few weeks that I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. I feel he's leaving me that choice or the choice of being miserable and filled with low self esteem for the rest of my life.

I married HIM. I love HIM. He USED to be my defender, my knight in shining armor, so to speak. He used to say I was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, he used to make me FEEL it.

I feel like insignificance made human. I feel ugly, fat, used, ignored. I feel like I'm one of the crowd..... no longer his #1 or if he says I am still #1, I feel like I'm elbowing at others to keep the spot.

It's not fair.

Why can't anyone love ME? How can he not be responsible in our relationship? This man is so intelligent, how can he be so fucking stupid at the same time?

Honestly. I hate the thought of not having him in my life. He IS my life. If I am his life, as he's said I am, WHY won't he MAKE all of this right & kick the others to the curb, not look back, not making sure they're "ok"??

What am I missing?

I just wanted him to love ME and to want ME. I wanted to be happy and to be his happiness.

Why do I feel so empty and so worthless and like I am the "reason" it's all like it is?

I have all day to stew over this again. I have no friends, I have no one. I can't even trust him anymore. He had one chance last night to handle the latest situation and he made it all "ok" for HER.

I'm a loser

Comments:

First, you are NOT a loser. You are in pain...and considering what you are going through, that's totally understandable. Know that you are not alone...many have walked your path. There are so many encouraging people here at Greasy! Hang in there.

Welcome! - I have been where you are...

comment by greeneyedgemini on Apr 9, 2008 8:44 AM ()

not a good place to be. sorry you can relate so well

reply by emptyinside on Apr 20, 2008 1:45 PM ()

First of all welcome to greasy. I hate that you are feeling so low. We expect our spouses to be there for us at all times and to comfort and understand our needs. It does hurt when we feel that they have let us down. I hope that you can bring some healty resolution to this.