One of the problems I had in my past relationship is mistaking every argument to mean the possible end. It wasn't that I changed my feelings from the argument, but it was that I assumed he didn't want to be with me anymore (or that he didn't love me anymore, didn't want to please me etc.)

I'm finding this is an issue I still have. Things with G and I have been so near perfect that I've never had a single sad moment with him...until recently. Now don't get me wrong, nothing has been a big deal and he'd never do anything purposely to make me sad...but it's coming with the adjustment period of becoming a family. We're not two single people coming together. We're two families coming together and with that there is an even bigger adjustment. My two kids fight a lot (as most of you know) so we can't expect his kids and my kids to get along all the time. The more they become brothers and sisters, the more little squabbles will come up. Last night my 2 were fighting over who got to sit next to "Liz" and Kev ended up being rude to G over it while he was trying his best to mediate. I got overly sensitive about it even though I know that Kev is the one who needs an attitude adjustment (and in general is doing so much better). So although G and I didn't fight, it put a wedge between us for the night. I went out to his car where he was looking for some papers and apologized and told him I wasn't mad at him and that I was glad he tried to deal with it. He said it was all over and we kissed...but it didn't prove to be over because there was still this distance. I finally said I was going to bed at midnight and I was real sad when he didn't follow me. It's the one time I know I'll be in his arms and for that time everything will be serene. I took an anxiety pill and lay in bed with the t.v. on. Tears were coming to my eyes and I was getting angry. All the thoughts and feelings of being alone for so long and so lonely for so long were overcoming me. I was probably only in bed 15 mins. by myself but it was an eternity. When he did come to better, we talked and I cried. We both felt the other wanted to be alone when we both wanted to be together. We settled it and fell asleep safe and warm in eachother's loving embrace.

But today it happened again. Kev and Andy got into an argument of name calling over a bike seat misunderstanding. Andy was crying, Kev was being all defensive and we tried to mediate. Only our mediation tactics are very different. He wants the kids to come to us when things get heated but I feel like I like my kids to try to work things out by themselves whenever possible and not constantly come running to me. Rationally I know this is minor and we can work it out, but my heart is sad and scared. I don't want to lose this. I don't want it to change into what it was in my previous relationship.

As I sit hear, tears fall down my cheeks. I don't want a constant flow of tears like I used to have. I don't want him not to move in.

I want to be a family. I want to all love each other and be peaceful and kind to and towards each other. I feel like I'm doing everything I can to promote a positive, loving atmosphere for my new family. All I need in return is LOVE.

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Comments:

I completely related to this post, Gee (big surprise, eh?!). Nothing worthwhile is easy...just keep reminding yourself that you are not the same woman you were and G is not your ex. You're growing together and that takes time and patience...give yourself plenty of that.

comment by janetk on July 20, 2008 11:22 AM ()

tx Janet, you're right and I'm really happy to hear from you on my blog hugs from one curly haired goddess to another

reply by firststarisee on July 20, 2008 1:50 PM ()

Adjustment periods can be so hard. I'm sorry that it's causing you to cry. I'm sure that in time everyone will understand each other better & learn each others quirks. I can relate to those sad nights though and they sure do stink! Hang in there!

comment by jennrud on July 19, 2008 10:01 PM ()

thanks Jen

reply by firststarisee on July 20, 2008 12:26 AM ()

Mmmnnn...sorry to hear this Think communication is always the best medicine in any relationship and you know this; relationships, whether straight, gay or whatever, are NEVER "perfect!" You have two independent people coming together as one and there are going to be problems now and again. Pray for you and think you can work things out Gwen. He sounds like a good guy. Don't stress yourself out G Remember this- "you can't control people, places or things" so take some deep breaths, observe, communicate, and relax

comment by brian45 on July 19, 2008 12:26 PM ()

You know me; always have to give my insight into things and we have known each other (online anyway) for awhile now so I felt comortable enough to do that I am sure things will be just fine You know me, I'm the last person to tell you what you really WANT to hear

reply by brian45 on July 19, 2008 2:06 PM ()

thanks bri, but I really think everything is going to be ok too, just needed to vent

reply by firststarisee on July 19, 2008 1:40 PM ()

comment by lunarhunk on July 19, 2008 12:24 PM ()

tx bro

reply by firststarisee on July 19, 2008 1:41 PM ()