I have purposely checked out for awhile. Another surge of uncertainty has come over me again and I didn't know what to do or even what to write about. I have just spent some time internalizing and have discovered nothing new. No surprise there. My husband came over a few days ago to discuss our marriage I guess. I don't really know. I know he is confused and doesn't know if divorce is the answer either but he also knows that I pushed him to the decision by continuing contact with D'man. I don't blame him. I may have done the same thing... I don't know. NO one does until they are faced with it. We didn't get any closer to any answers but I cried a lot. It isn't helping though. Nothing is. I am still having difficulties moving forward. I try and then I am reminded. My husband did it this time when he told me that if the kids ask him why we are getting a divorce it is because of my affair. I lost it. I don't know how our kids knowing that I did that will ever be in their best interest. I know he is angry but now I am sick to my stomach thinking that he may tell them at any moment. Now I'm faced with thinking that they may find out. He then said he would just send them to me so he could see what "lie I might come up with." It hurt but he was right. From his experience that is what I have done to him. Lie! I am and will continue to work on it and I doubt he will ever understand that I lied because I was embarrassed about my actions. I realized that my Dad does it too. It is almost humorous. My Dad smokes and will lie about it. We can smell it, see the pack in his pocket, and see his stash of butts but he will deny it. I now can understand why. Too weird. I told him that it may be his reason but it isn't mine and that I would never tell our children that we got a divorce because he was an ass to me for so many years and emotionally inept. Reasons won't help, it is what it is, a failed marriage. But now I struggle with whether to tell or not to tell. I don't have any answers and don't know when I will. I also found out he has been reading my blogs on greasy. I really struggled with it but it is a public blog and maybe he can find answers through the ramblings of my mind.


Life is going on and it is getting better just like many of you said. The bad days are less and less and farther between. I am moving forward with making choices and knowing I don't have to apologize for them and I am proud to say I am making responsible ones that are for my benefit not detriment. I am being honest, a good friend, loving daughter, involved Mom and I am being good to me. I am doing things that I enjoy, walking a lot, making friends with my co workers and working hard to maintain the ones I already have and eliminating ones that are not healthy for me. I am feeling better. I do miss my husband, our life and the idea of till death do us part but I will be ok. One day at a time, I WILL BE OK.

Comments:

"Reasons won't help, it is what it is"...maybe you could have that tattooed on him somewhere?He's hurting and angry and you know what? The anger probably isn't even all for you...you're just bearing the brunt of it at the moment. This happens to me all the time with Rock and while knowing why it happens isn't okay, it does sometimes help.Hugs

Sorry for all your confused feelings. Too bad he reads your blogs. It's hard writing when you know he's reading them.

He most certainly should not tell the children, that is not in their best interest. It may be in his best interest, according to him, but to bring the children into the situation is very wrong. I'm so happy to hear that you have begun feeling better and that your good days outnumber your bad days.

He's dead wrong for wanting the kids to know. An affair isn't the cause of a failed marriage...it's the result. Something better is just around the corner Tanya! Believe it! It's happening to me as I speak and I've never felt more content or truly happy in my own skin!

Hon, I've told you before and I'll say it again.....it is not all your fault and do not let him do this to you. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break it up. If he had supported you and been there for you (and you tried to tell him) maybe you would not have looked for comfort and companionship elsewhere. You are moving in the right direction and getting stronger everyday. Good for you.

I'm so sorry Tanya. Maybe I shouldn't say this but, I don't think it is all your fault. I mean you were talking about him not being there for you emotionally for many years. I do wish that there was someway you two could work this out. But, overall I just hope and pray that you can move forward with or without him and feel better each day.

comment by texastar on May 18, 2008 11:23 PM ()

I agree with hopefields too. It wouldn't be in the children's best interests to hear this. Hopefully, he will think this through before he speaks to them.

reply by texastar on May 20, 2008 12:11 AM ()

You are allowed to say anything you want! It's a public blog and no offense was taken. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better. I do know it wasn't all my fault but the choice I made to have an affair and look outward from my marriage is my fault. I do wish I hadn't made this choice. I now struggle with the lack of respect that I have for myself and the worry that he will tell my children and how they will view their Mom. I believe children should know their parents are flawed but not something this big. I agree with HOpefields that it isn't their concern but it may become that way and I will have to deal with it. Lessons learned and I guess a consequence I am paying for in a big way. Having my children view me in a less than favorable eye is devastating to me.

reply by frogfenatic on May 19, 2008 10:04 PM ()