(Final post in a series of three.)

When I decided that I didn’t want to lose my temper any more, when I decided that I didn’t like myself when I acted that way, I sought professional help.

 

Now, please understand that the shrink I went to see, Dr. Jerry, is an absolutely fantastic psychologist. However, he did not make me change. I did that all by myself. What he did was help me explore why I acted the way that I did and why I was so angry. He also helped me to discover the origins of my low self esteem.

Those explorations were painful. I spent many a session in his office crying and pouring my guts out. I found hidden canyons in my mind that I hadn’t explored in decades, for fear that, once exposed to the light, the monsters that dwelled there would come out and devour me.

What I found by looking at these monsters square in the eye was amazing. I discovered that they really had no power over me unless I let them. They were like jade plants; they flourished in the shade, but, once exposed to intense sunlight, they burned and withered.

Once I believed this, I finally began to see that anger is like the serpent that devours its own tail. Anger not only hurts the object at which it is aimed, but it also, with time, destroys the entity that employs it.

After going off on a rage, I never felt satisfied. Never fulfilled. At the end. I was always jittery, unhappy, often ashamed and still angry. Nothing was ever resolved. In fact, after losing my temper, I would often be so agitated that I couldn’t even sleep.

When I would express my anger in rage, the rage grew stronger and stronger, and there was no sense of gratification. The well was never full. Instead of being slaked, my rage just kept mounting and mounting.

I suppose I could have continued on like that – raging and feeling sorry for myself – for the rest of my life. After all, I had beautiful, built-in excuses for my bad actions – I was abused as a child. I had OCD. I am the product of an alcoholic and broken home.

But I realized that I was miserable like that. I also realized that, in order to change things in my life, all I had to take was take hold of the steering wheel. My mother couldn’t hurt me any more. (One day, I just realized that I didn’t love her, and I didn’t have to love her. Today, I don’t hate her, but I honestly do not love her. Once I came to that conclusion, I was suddenly freed from trying to please her and from trying to measure up to her standards of what I should be.) My OCD was pretty much under control.

Once I understood that I was safe, I felt a huge wave of relief sweep over me. I suddenly understood that I didn’t need to live my life the way that other people wanted me to live it. I could do what I wanted, and, if others didn’t like it, well, that was okay too.

I started to take chances…small ones at first. And when I stumbled and fell, if people laughed, I learned to laugh along with them.

I discovered that I didn’t have to be "successful". That all I had to be was me.

You cannot believe what inner peace that brought to me!

(Also, I discovered that sitting down and sanely expressing my displeasure with somebody’s actions or words allows both of us to get our feelings out and work towards a reasonable and mutually agreeable solution. The feelings that flow through my veins after such discussions are those of accomplishment, pride, and even serenity. Just the opposite of the agitated, restless, angry feelings that possessed me after a screaming match.)

 

I began looking forward to getting up in the morning. I began taking better care of myself. I began sharing my writings with others. I wrote my first play, and it was met with great audience and critical approval. I began realizing that my life wasn’t accessed by what others thought, or how I measured up in others’ eyes. My life was accessed only by me.

I was finished with being a victim and making others in my life victims too.

Wallowing in self-pity is like being stuck in quicksand. The more you move around in it, the deeper you sink, until finally it smothers you and you are lost forever.

 

I truly love my life now, and, as I’ve said countless times in the past, I wouldn’t want to trade places with anybody else on the face of the earth. It has been over fifteen years since I took control of my anger and regained control of my life.

Today, I want to live forever!

I write.

I have the confidence to audition and to win roles in plays.

I direct theatrical productions. I watch sunrises.

I cry at sad movies.

I love my wife, my kids, my grandchildren, my friends, my animals and my situation in life.

Because I have so much to live for, I take care of myself by exercising and eating right (except for brownies, Mary’s homemade strawberry shortcake, and Mary’s Amish Friendship Bread!)

Today, at the age of fifty-five, I’m in the best shape that I’ve ever been in.

I express myself openly now.

I no longer rate myself against others.

I no longer feel ashamed for feeling things deeply.

I hug.

I laugh.

I cry.

I let everybody whom I love know that I love them.

I express my opinions, and other people don’t have to agree with them in order for them to be valid.

Others can have opinions diametrically opposed to mine, and we can still be good friends.

The absence of a critical judge in my life is such a freeing thing! Honestly!

My demons and hard times of the past have been transformed into accomplishments and successes.

Mary showed me what life could be like just by the example she put before me of her own life and her exuberance for living.

I find that, because of my positive attitude, people now seek me out and like being around me. (It was Mary’s positive attitude that first attracted me to her so many years ago.) For example, last night, we were sitting around at home when the phone rang. Two of our friends from the theater, both of whom are pictured in my blog post entitled, "Good Times", called us to come and join them for Stein Night at The Main Street Pub. (How many people my age get spur-of-the-moment invites like that from folks in their twenties?) Did Mary and I go down there? What do you think? We couldn’t grab our steins fast enough!

Last night, my son and his girlfriend came over to our house. They proudly announced that they were going be having a baby, (My THIRD grand child!) and they were looking to buy a house just a few miles down the road so that they could be close to Mary and I!

 

Am I perfect? Of course not! I have flaws. I have problems. I have worries.

What is different now is that I decided to like myself.

When that happened, my life suddenly became my own, and now life is just a huge, ongoing celebration.

Fifteen years ago, my kids wanted nothing to do with me, and who could blame them?

Today, I have a wonderful and loving relationship with all of them. They come by the house regularly to visit. They all greet me with hugs.

Fifteen years ago, my youngest son, (the one who stopped over last night) walked out of the house, called me an asshole, and stormed out of my life. He was gone for five years. When he decided to come back into my life ten years ago, we both sat down and had several long, painful discussions.

Now, after much work and much forgiveness on both sides, we have patched up our relationship to the extent that two weeks ago, he gave me a Father’s Day card that said, "Dad. I’m not a kid any more, but you’re still my father. I respect you. I love you. I admire you. You still worry too much about me, and I know that I still drive you crazy. We laugh together. I know that I’m lucky…and I think you’re the greatest father in the whole wide world. I love you, Dad. - Scott."

Today, I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am.

There aren’t the words that encompass all the good feelings, contentment, the joy and the love that I feel all around me every single day.

The change was hard. Yes. It was.

But it was worth it.

Simple as that.

 

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