Every once in a while I deal with memories from my past that are difficult to remember. Usually, the only way for me to get past those memories is to write about them and how I'm feeling through it. That way, I don't 'shut down,' but instead I face them and move on. I understand that I will never forget what I went through, but I have come to a point where the memories don't affect me the way they used to. I must still face them and deal with them, but they don't last as long as previously.

I was going through pictures and found some that showed my son how he looked when we were being abused. He always looked so solemn and distant. There were pictures of him not smiling and looking very serious. It's hard for me to look at those pictures. I know why he looked so sad. I can look at a picture and remember what was happening during that time frame. I can also tell by looking at pictures of me during that same time period. I guess looking at these particular pictures triggered something in me and brought the memories flooding back.

Here in Hawaii today, a man shot and killed his wife and then shot and killed himself in Ewa Beach. When is it going to stop? I mean...really! Dammit! When is it going to stop? When are people going to take abuse and domestic violence seriously? When will it stop? It's so sad that another woman died from domestic violence here. It seems as though it's on the rise nowadays. My heart literally and genuinely hurts every time I hear about another case of abuse and another victim killed.

It's so hard for the victim to reach out for help. The first time I talked to someone about it, was my pastor. My ex and I were staying with them before making a move to Oregon. I had a threatened miscarriage and was told to rest. Someone had to pack our things to get ready for the move and I was the chosen one. When I talked to my pastor about it, he went upstairs and tried to talk to J about helping me with the packing. After that, we got into an argument and he punched me in the stomach. I was three months pregnant with our son. I never told them what happened. I figured if I did, it would only get worse.

That pastor ended up going to another church and we got a new pastor. After awhile, I decided I would try to talk to Pastor E about what was going on. I wanted to try to get help. What he told me...floored me. Pastor E got a phone call from an old roommate of mine, named Jerry. He told me he got a call from her the night before. When I asked him how she was doing, he told me that she called him because her husband had beaten her up pretty bad and that she was bruised and bleeding. He then told me that she "picked herself up off the floor and asked her husband, 'what do you want for dinner, honey?' "

He then went on to tell me that I should learn from Jerry and be that submissive to my husband. Then, he gave an analogy. He told me to picture me, my husband, and our two children on a boat and the boat sank. He said no one had life vests on and I was the only one who could swim. He asked me who I would try to help first and I emphatically stated, "My children!" "Wrong," he said, "You save your husband first because you cannot replace your husband, but you can replace your children." I never went to him anymore after that. From that point on, I thought for sure that if I tried to get help outside, no one would believe me and that they would take my kids away.

Don't you see? It's so hard for victims to reach out for help. They get so scared. There are many factors to consider in why a woman won't leave her abuser. My ex told me, when I mentioned divorce, that, "divorce isn't an option." He also said he would take the kids from me if I did talk to people about it.

The victim knows no other way to survive, so she stays and 'submits.' She tolerates the abuse, the pain, the tears that long to flow. She finds herself wishing that hope will not die. Each day, the victim wonders, "will this be the day where he will love me? Will this be the day that he will tell me he loves me? Will he be happy with me? Will he stop taunting me?

I went through eleven years of marriage with minimal touch, never holding hands, no kisses, no affection..unless it served his purpose. When he was not happy, I got the silent treatment for a lengthy period of time.

If I could, I would gather those that in an abusive relationship and I would tell them that there is help out there. I would tell them that it's okay to want help. I would tell them that it isn't their fault. I would tell them that they deserve better. I would tell them that ...I understand how difficult it is. I understand the pain and the confusion. But, I would also tell them that it can get better. They can be safe. It's a difficult process...to get to a point of safety, but it's a necessary process and at the end, one can find safety and sanity.

Comments:

Bulls##t! Submissive?????? Replace children--that man is an obsenity!