'Why not! Why not now; I mean, I'm not afraid of my feelings, better out than in eh! I can only hold my face in my hands for so long before I crack! I ain't no saint!!

I know I'm going to be letting a lot about me 'out' here in this post, for what reason I don't know - maybe some things need to be said no matter who reads this! Maybe who ever reads this needs to know what kind of burdens I have to deal with; maybe the time is right - I don't know!

Maybe after 3 yrs of blogging people need to know all about me, maybe people don't - hopefully people 'won't'but that's the best part about blogging is the 'WHO FRIGGING KNOWS?' scenario!

Today I don't give a damn! Today I want to tell you why my Dr. went white! My decision to visit the GP was intentional, things here weren't what they should be. My mind would be ticking over into oblivion and my relationship with my Husband and Children was suffereing.

Becoming a recluse in your own mind is kind of like an addiction, you truley 'do' believe your own shit! The trouble is after a few yrs of believing the most spectacular of scenario's - You do begin to think with help from a loved one or confident that maybe it 'isn't' the people around you but 'you' - yourself that has worked too much to realize that something is wrong!

The Doctor asked me lots of questions, we talked for about 40 minutes, I kind of figured that he would send me on my way and tell me to rest more or some shit like that etc!!! But he was blown away when he asked me the last question, he said he never ever got a reply like the one I told him.

He asked me if I contemplated suicide?

I replied honestly for the want to 'not' feel like the way I do anymore. I said yes.

I told him how often and how I would do it and why!

He said why?

 I replied that it's not about killing myself no more, it's about 'not being able to see any more'! I'm already dead inside, it's just my eyes are what keep making me believe that i'm living!

I never saw a doctor go white with fear. He knew that he never saw a more relaxed person coming for help. I didn't mean to scare him, I told him the truth.

Some times things are never what they seem.....

Comments:

Lynnie, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I could be of some help. I consider you a friend here and think of you, your Mom and your family almost daily.

Lynnie, although I'm new here to Greasy and am just starting to form frienships, I wanted to let you know that I am very glad that you spoke up to your doctor. I know you have many friends here that you can turn too... but I just wanted to let you know that I care & I'm here for you too.

comment by jennrud on July 12, 2008 10:11 AM ()

Thanks Jennrud thats nice to know I'm pleased to say all this happend earlier in the year, I'm ok now. I never write about how I truley feel - ever, still don't know for 'sure' why I did write it ow - but I did. We'll it's out of the way now and i'm on the road to recovery.

reply by lynnie on July 12, 2008 10:18 AM ()

oh lynnie! don't you know you can come to any of us if you need someone to talk to! you have become a very dear friend to me and you have helped me through some rough patches, so let me repay the favor. I agree with everything Fredo said in his comment to you. I think you are a wonderful person, you have always encouraged me to become more, to strive for more! I love you lynnie and I am always here for you!

comment by elkhound on July 11, 2008 5:36 PM ()

Thanks Mary thats nice to know. I think I kept it to myself because I was in denial, I think I tried to battle my way through for the sake of not wanting to be a failure to myself. Do you know what I mean??? It's hard to explain. Luckily enough I gave in - in the doctors office. Best thing I ever did.

reply by lynnie on July 11, 2008 11:56 PM ()

Wow!all this happen their.Are you serious.
Of all the years that I have been blogging with you and a very
dear friend.I know that reading your post you are a very
wonderful person.A wonderful mother and wife to Roger.
Knowing that your family come first and that they way it
should be.So,lynnie try to compose and find yourself.
What do you need there a {{{{{{{{hug)))))))kisses
I know you have a big
Hoping that all the thinking there with the doctor is gone.
Your family need you and I know that they do.
Have a good night.Peace Out.

comment by fredo on July 11, 2008 4:19 PM ()

I'm ok now Fredo, I think writing about it there was the last chapter of that book - it kind of close that part of the past. Comming to terms and addmitting I had a problem which I didn't know how to cure myself was the best thing I did. I'll never go back to that way again. I know there's other easier options to deal with stress, anxiety and panic attacks without having to feel clouded by it all. It's impossible to think straight when your under attack by your own mind. Thanks for your kind words it means alot to me.

reply by lynnie on July 12, 2008 12:01 AM ()