i saw the loveliest little apartment today that I would love to pick up and move into. but will i be devastated once i know he and i don't live together anymore? i really love him. he is kind, mellow, and a comfort to me, although i feel a distance between us due to our not spending time together bonding.

during the week when i arrive home at five, we have two and a half hours that he is home before going to his night job. Meanwhile, his dirty dishes are in the sink, his shoes and clothes are all over the living room, and he is napping in bed. What am i supposed to do after work? i don't even want to come directly home after my job, knowing what awaits.

If I lived completely alone, i would stop off at the gym after work, then to the bookstore or to a night class or social group. My home would be fresh and uncluttered however, late at night in bed, i would ache for his touch and that is the time i would cry and ache and curse myself for ending us.

Then, it seems so hard when his three sons, approaching 13 and 10 (twins)come here on weekends and take over the living room on account of the extra bedroom being so cluttered I consider it unlivable. He is tired then too, because he works so much therefore, i become resentful when they are permitted to lazily lounge and not be willing to so much as take out the trash without a direct order from their dad, something that he is not programmed to give (he'd rather let it go or do it himself). I am glad to help out with his child responsiblities, but refuse to take up his slack for his over-easygoing attitude and their sheer, permitted laziness.

He is 40 and I am twelve years older if that sheds other light. I don't want to be step mommy in a cramped apt . I am jealous of them. Does this make me a terrible person? Before you think I may be selfish or bitchy, know that i have not until now, expressd anything but support and gentleness with my sweetie or his boys. I beleive they have well transitioned now from the divorce two years ago, and perhaps i, and my resources are no longer needed.

thank you

Comments:

It's really hard to take down the resentment wall once it's been built. Blended families can be so difficult, I know. I hope you can sort it out.

Sounds like you want to be on your own- but are scared to be alone! After I left my husband it was extremely difficult for me - (the alone part) but I found things that would occupy my time- it was painful but I survived! Relax - and take a deep breath and do what you really feel is right for you!

Thanks very much for all your responses which have helped me to sort things out.

Have you talked with him about these issues?

Hang in there and Welcome!

comment by greeneyedgemini on Apr 4, 2008 8:30 AM ()

i am opening up a little more as time continues, thank you

reply by reneenay on Apr 5, 2008 5:08 PM ()

No,you are not a terrible person,perhaps a tired and frustrated person,but not a terrible person.Sit down with him(when u both r alone)and read him what you wrote.It appears u want to be with him,but u r having some issues.Talk to him,maybe u and him can work something out,such as him picking up his clothes etc.It can work out for you

comment by rants on Apr 4, 2008 2:46 AM ()

Good ideas, thanks. I'm confident i will open up to him more as time goes on.

reply by reneenay on Apr 5, 2008 5:10 PM ()

I don't think you are a bad person at all. And maybe it is not so much them you are jealous of, as it is the way that they are let off with no responsibilities, whereas you have all this to clean up. Of course I am not saying he is bad in any way (evident by the fact that you still call him sweety, and say that he will do their part on top of working too). When both work different shifts, it makes it so hard, I know this since I have worked 7p-7a for over 6 years now. I've been Mr. Nap in the day. Maybe if you split these chores and responsibilites, having him have some done before you get home, as he has for you, &/or have him sleep as soon as he gets in, so he is up a while when you get in, maybe that would help.

Just be careful about letting that "resentment" build, it is hard to shake.

comment by ekyprogressive on Apr 4, 2008 2:27 AM ()

Oh thank you for helping me to feel better. I am still working on the right balance of communicating my thoughts and looking the other way. Today when the boys came home, I had put the computer away because they jump on it first thing walking in the door. They asked where it was and i said it was put away until they checked with their dad if there was anything he wanted of them. He said they could take out the trash and they complained of course but then they got to play computer. Gosh you are so correct about building resentments...it really can lead to darkness! take cares

reply by reneenay on Apr 5, 2008 5:21 PM ()

It sounds like a bad situation. I don't think that you are terrible in having these concerns--just normal. You are at a time in your life when you need your space and relaxation also. Perhaps a vacation from one another will put thngs more in perspective and you will be able to make a decision then. I wish you well.

comment by angiedw on Apr 4, 2008 1:48 AM ()

yes, sometimes separations can help place matters into perspective. thanks

reply by reneenay on Apr 5, 2008 5:23 PM ()