The end of year figures are in, and the naughty-nice ratio is not looking good. In fact, this year boasts a staggering 82-18 naughty-to-nice ratio, easily smashing figures from the so-called “heyday of naughtiness" in the mid-80’s. After the numbers were in, Santa Claus was seen to look as green as the Mistletoe hanging throughout the Workshop dining hall.
“I…..I don’t know where we’ve gone wrong." The normally jolly fat man was heard to lament. “It’s…it’s not like I’m not still giving and giving as much as I can. The kids, they just don’t care. They think they can do what they want, and I’ll still give them presents! Snot nosed punks! Well, I’ll show them!" He then let out a roar and slammed a meaty fist down on the table, instantly silencing the celebrating Elves and Fairies.
What happened next, witnesses say, was surreal. Santa Claus, THE fat man, took his enormous plate, and smashed it to the ground. He then declared he would go on the longest hunger strike in known history if he had to, to force the children to behave. If the strike lasted too long, he explained, he would be too weak to deliver presents to any children, and everyone would suffer. The nice children would turn on the naughty, and anarchy would ensue. Reasoning that children wouldn’t want to miss Christmas at any cost (or contribute to hurting Santa, for that matter), this would force the children to behave, thus improving the numbers. Santa continued to speak long into the night, rationalizing his decision to the Elven council. Everyone came out in agreement, and Santa then issued this press release:
“People of the world, this is Santa Claus. After checking into the naughty and nice numbers for this year, I have concluded that we are at a dire crossroads with our children. Drastic measures need to be taken, as I have never seen this many naughty children in my thousands of years on the job. So I, Santa Claus, the Jolly Fat Man, have decided to go on a hunger strike until our naughty-nice ratio is back up over 50%, where it should be. What will this mean? Simply put, it is now February 12. There is less than a year until Christmas, so you kids must work hard at being good over the next 9 months or so. This also means that because I will be starving myself, and I am a man who enjoys his food, this hunger strike will cause tremendous stress on my body. This could result in NO CHRISTMAS if the terms are not met with time enough to spare for me to recover by Christmas. We want these numbers up within six months. This is not a joke, this is not a test. I have already lost 7 pounds in the last 18 hours of fasting, and I will continue to dwindle rapidly. Time is of the essence children, get behaving now!"
Now the thought of Santa Claus on a hunger strike has struck some people as ludicrous, and they’ve raised speculation that the Jolly Fat Man won’t last a day. He was already seen eyeing up pastries and tarts in the Workshop cafeteria earlier this evening. Santa has mystical powers, its true, but he also has a soft-spot for éclairs and ice cream. We can only hope, for the sake of Christmas and nice children everywhere, that the old boy sticks to his guns and the naughty children reciprocate. If not, we may be in for a long, long winter.

Sir Smittius