Those of you who know me, know that I experienced extreme poverty in childhood. I think this colored everything in my life. I was very self-conscious and excessively shy. I really wanted to be like everyone else. I saw what the middle class life was like, and I wanted it.

I had quite a lonely childhood because we moved a lot. We moved because my dad was ill. We moved looking for a "cure." We lived in shacks. I never quite fit in because I was always the "new" kid. I was also very thin -- the exact opposite of Dolly Parton. You know how kids feel about body image...

I grew up watching movies and reading books because I had no real friends. I thought that movies and books portrayed real life. I daydreamed a lot, I mean a LOT! So I developed what I thought the perfect person should be... no negativity, no questions, no thoughts of my own... I learned a lot from movies.

When I started life... outside of movies, it must have worked. I got to know guys and they liked me. Girls liked me, too. After awhile, it was second nature. It really seemed to be the real me. Even if I didn't always go along with the norm... for instance, I never had sexual relations until I married... guys seemed to understand and never pressed too hard.

But, it was as if I were seducing them in some way... because they "fell in love" with me easily. In my first romances (except one), they always proposed to me within the first four dates. I've been in touch with some of my formers since I married, and they still have a lingering love for me. I guess that doesn't go away, because I have for them, too... Don't we all?

About my husband. He is quite good looking, has a seductive manner, and a great sense of humor. Before marriage, he had scores of girlfriends. He had some problems, so he didn't keep them, but they were chasing him. And, with all of that, he chose me. We met in December and married in March. I was 25 and he was 31 -- 13 years ago.

Even when I go shopping today, people seem to gravitate to me. If someone catches my eye, which doesn't happen often, because I'm still very shy, I do smile at them. This is probably because I don't know what else to do. They take that as an okay to speak with me. I always enjoy talking to them because they are always pleasant. Once I was just standing looking at the candy rack and a man stood next to me and said, "Ah..ah..ahh." (Like no, no, noo.) And then, we both laughed. ( I think I even learned the body language that screams, "Choose me! Choose me." -- even when I don't have a body, so to speak!)

When I started online, the same thing happened. At first, people didn't even know what I looked like, and they still liked me. Well, not all of them, but many of them. So, does it feel that I'm repeating seductive movie and book lines to you? Do I have any real original thoughts of my own? I don't know... maybe not. All I know is that I need to be liked. And, if I have to, I will seduce you into liking me... Absolutely.

There was a line from the Kathy Bates movie Misery: "Sometimes being a bitch is all that a woman's got." I haven't adopted this one... although you might hear differently if you ever talked to my husband!!! No, he wouldn't leave, but he does complain... The reason I tacked this onto the end, is because that's what he just said... He's laughing now, as I write this.

And, to one who made me realize it was about feelings:




Jim!