My daughter Cee used to tell me "Mama you're not afraid of anything." I remember her saying that one time in particular after I had killed a snake with a hoe after I found it slithering around on the carport. She didn't know there was a huge lump in my throat the whole time, and the hair on my neck was standing up with fear. But there was no one else to do it, so I had to.

But the older I get, the less able I am to "bend with the breeze" so to speak, to conquer and adapt and go on.

 I am an old tree that shudders in the wind, limbs creaking, waiting for breakage and toppling. That's what makes me neurotic--that and living alone with no one to call on when things go wrong--no husband,  children and siblings estranged--when you're in that situation, everything, large and small is up to you to deal with alone.

Every day brings something. A few days ago I noticed a "burning hair" smell in the car when I turned on the engine. It was a strong odor. Got Western Auto guy to look under the hood--couldn't find anything. Took car to Honda dealership. They couldn't find anything either--but something's brewing under the hood you can bet on that.

Day before yesterday, noticed water dripping off a large section of concrete slab on one end of the house. My cousin, a plumber, is here now. It seems there's a leak in the plumbing between the wall and brick, and it's oozing out. He's got his head under the sink now trying to figure out how to fix it. I whined to him "Why can't things ever go smoothly?" (And other "Poor Little Ole Me" stuff.) He said these things happen to everybody.

Living alone is maybe the reason I think sh*t only happens to me. Sometimes life seems too hard to bear and wonder what's the point of going on? Just a succession of one trouble after another. I actually don't know why I'm still hanging on. Susil

Comments:

I realized that I should have made it clear that I didn't take all 8 of those AD's to fight the same episode of depression. Rather, that's the number I've tried in the last 20 or so years.

comment by marta on July 18, 2008 6:14 PM ()

Marta, you are so dear and thank you for your comments.
I am glad you found medication that has pulled you and
your brother from "the pit" as I call depression.
Great insight as always. Thanks again...

reply by susil on July 19, 2008 10:36 AM ()

Sue, don't give up if Prozac didn't work for you. I've tried 8 - EIGHT - different ones before I a.) got the correct dx, and b.) got a doc I can work with, and c.) got the right combination of meds. Sometimes you need a combination of two or even more to get things balanced. Some natural remedies that may help are: walking or other weight bearing exercise- what ever you can do, even if it's just to the end of your driveway; if you can, try to do the walking between 11 am and 2 pm; and the last thing is to make eye contact with someone (I never feel like being near anyone when I'm really down, but YMMV). The person who gave me those hints said she counts watching the morning news shows as eye contact. You have given me so much pleasure over the last 18 months or so through your posts and our emails. I would really miss you if you weren't around.

comment by catdancer on July 17, 2008 4:30 PM ()

Hi Karen; those were some interesting comments, and i notice
when i get up and take a shower and do my hair and get out of
the house and get around other people I feel much better. I need
to do that every day. Also, if I can find something to laugh about,
laughter lifts my spirits. But watching the news, which is always
bad, is a downer, so I watch less of the news nowadays.
Thanks for the tips,

reply by susil on July 19, 2008 10:42 AM ()

Besides dear, you aren't really old yet.

Sue, so sorry life is rough right now. Somewhere out there there is a good caring man for you or something to turn your life in another direction. We all love you and care about y ou.

Wish you lived closer...I'd come over and help if I could

I wish you didn't feel alone.

comment by shesaidwhat on July 17, 2008 8:18 AM ()

Hi she--Me too. I had imagined by this age I
would be married to maybe a retired military man and we
would drive one of those big old motocoaches around the U.S.
sightseeing, taking it easy etc. Nope, didn't happen.

reply by susil on July 17, 2008 1:27 PM ()

Sue, If you keep feeling that way for very long, you may be in a clinical depression and need an antidepressant. Believe me, I've been there for a couple of years and only last month finally got the right combination of meds. Now I feel better than I have in years!

comment by catdancer on July 17, 2008 7:15 AM ()

Hi Karen; So glad you are feeling better!!
I tried Prozac one time--didn't work at all.
Probably should try something else. My family
were all born melancholy. I was talking to my cuz
yesterday and he said there's an old superstition
about sins of our ancestors lasting seven generations--
maybe one day in the future we'll all be okay. We also
realized 1) None of us like pets 2) we hold grudges--
3) we're all hard nosed and cynical. Ain't that awful??

reply by susil on July 17, 2008 1:35 PM ()

comment by tealstar on July 17, 2008 4:27 AM ()

Dear teal, yep, cousin Andy bless his heart spent three
hours here yesterday jury rigging the pipes in the wall
under the sink. I paid for the parts, he charged $50.00, his
minimum fee, and didn't charge me for labor
I'm hanging in for now.

reply by susil on July 17, 2008 1:43 PM ()

Thank you Thank you Thank you--love love love you.
You have always stuck by and read me no matter what.
My heart is tender for you, and feels lighter for
knowing you.

reply by susil on July 17, 2008 1:39 PM ()

Had that feeling of "it's all up to me now" after Jay got sick.
And that terrifying feeling that I would do him worse by doing
something stupid. One 4 a.m., turned in bed, put my arm on his
chest and it was soaked. Water dripping down from ceiling.
Rearranged room (not easy, equipment everywhere) rolled bed away
from leak. Got him dry. Put boots on, went up to roof. Roof
was a lake and in danger of caving in. Got neighbor Lila to help
me. We cleared drain pipe. All back to "normal". Ed thinks
s... just happens to him. I agree. I say "G.. hates you, that's
why."

comment by tealstar on July 17, 2008 4:25 AM ()

Teal, you are so resourceful, and fierce as a tiger taking
care of Jay, and would have done anything to make him comfortable.
(And keep the roof from collapsing!)
Laughed about Ed--didn't know he belonged to the "sh*t only
happens to me club!" Girl, God really does hate some of us!

reply by susil on July 17, 2008 1:50 PM ()

I've had those days before. Pretty upsetting. Hope things get better. Do you ever read my posts anymore?

comment by solitaire on July 16, 2008 3:25 PM ()

Dear sol, thanks for the commiseration.. I get on the computer
to blog if I can every day, as it is an outlet and a relief to
write about what's happening. But after a few minutes the PC kicks
me off and I have to reboot, and the dial up has to dial up again
and in the middle of a blog I get cut off etc. It's so frustrating
I don't get to stay on long, but will try to stay on long enough to
read more blogs. (If I take a bathroom break, the computer shuts off,
so it's a hassle to stay on for long.) But I ain't forgot ya!

reply by susil on July 17, 2008 1:58 PM ()

Susil, a brighter day is coming. I'm rootin' for ya!