I hung up the phone at 12:28 AM after telling Janet I loved her and that we would talk tonight.
We talk every night now.
And sometimes more than one a day.

When I pushed the phone and the connection broke, I docked the phone, sighed and turned on the radio so I would have some company.

I turned o the nightlight, rolled onto my side, closed my eyes and visualized my hand on Janet's back pulling her as close to me as possible, our bodies fusing and her talk soothing me, along with her fingers teasing my hair, my voice occupied with an ingrained need.

And I fell asleep...

And awoke to the radio, to voices; sportscasters talking to each other; one of whom was promoting a book about his relationship with his dad.

But my first thought was not about my dad.

It was about my mom.
And a talk I need to have with her today.

I rolled from bed, visited the bathroom, finished.
I started coffee, took a a slice of banana nut bread and a mini corn muffin from the freezer, and left them to thaw for a minute while the coffee brewed.

DirecTV is having a free preview weekend, so I turned the tv and flipped through channels without settling on anything to watch but I left the tv on for company while I ate my slice of banana nut bread, and mini corn muffin.

when I finished that, I filled my cup with more coffee and cream, and sat on my leather love seat, turned the tv off and set my coffee on the end table that isn't really an end table, and I opened A BRIEF HISTORY OF NEARLY EVERYTHING by Bill Bryson, and read a couple of chapters, and the windows are open and the slider to my deck is open and the front door is open, with only screens separating bugs from the interior of my apartment, and I let the voices of kids at play, kids swimming, to keep me company, while i read the book.

And when I finished reading, I came to sit here in front of this machine, to type these words, and, just now, to close my eyes and to ask Janet to be with me while I write them and knowing that she is...

I'm not ready to have the talk with Mom today, I'm not even ready to spell out here the reason I need to have the talk, and when I do spell it out here the first time, it really won't be spelled out.

It will be cryptic.

Because behind the reason I need to have the talk with her are epiphanies and realizations that I am still need time to absorb.

And it is too nice a day, a gorgeous day, to open my mouth the way it needs to be open--not harshly, but truthfully, and I'm not ready to open my mouth the way that it needs to open, because I do not want to alter the energy of this day.
I want to go out and absorb the energy of this day and:

visualize my hand on Janet's back pulling her as close to me as possible, our bodies fusing and her talk soothing me, along with her fingers teasing my hair, my voice occupied with an ingrained need.

And focus on the *fact* that she will be here in body and soul at exactly this time (11 AM) next Saturday.....

And now I head out into the sun to take a drive to Target to pick up Band of Brothers--and some things from "the list".

Later, All, Later...

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