This weekend sucked. Hugely. Is that a word?

Anyway, I spent the whole weekend waiting for my husband to decided if he wanted us to split or not. I told him he had to be carefull about his decision because if he decided that it was to stay together, that it meant FOR EVER, NO MATTER WHAT....you know, like the vows we said when we got married.

So of course im stressing the whole time, wondering why I dont just make things easy on everyone and make the decision, but I didnt want to do anything that I would regret. And honestly? I dont want to be without him. I just kept thinking of all the stuff i would have to do to prepare to leave and how my first mairrage ended after 6 months, and now I made it to 9! And I really truly love him. Shit. I lost 2 pounds this weekend from not being able to eat and the sick feeling in my stomach.

He made his decision today. So we stay together, thick and thin. But, see, now there's a new issue! Yesterday I found naked pictures of some chick as well as a picture of a women and her son, and a couple of pictures of himself, on his computer. So, I'm thinking, maybe I should have just fucking left. I beleive him that he hasn't cheated on me. I DO NOT beleive that he didn't intend to. He said that if thats what he wanted, he would have taken the out this weekend when he had it.

That sick feeling wont go away. I trusted him and feel like that was violated. Am I not good enough? Is it as innocent as he claims? I feel like hes not the person I thought he was and I really dont know what to do. One hurtel after another with us....one of these days I'm going to fall flat on my face and stay there. How do two people so deeply, passionatly in love, suddenly find themselves at this point......

Theres a Rascal Flatts song "Broken road" ..... its been our song since it came out, cause it always summed everything up between us. Now I feel like we just put another crack in that road......one that we almost didnt make it over, and is grazing our heels as we teeter on the other side....someone toss me a line...something to hold onto so we dont fall back.