When I was child I would wait everyday for my dad to call to say how much he wanted me in his life. Even once I met my dad later and realized the uncaring man he was, I still longed for the connection. Without a father in your life (whether actual or step) there is something missing, a void that cannot be filled by anyone or anything else.

I promised I would never do that to a child. I never wanted children and committed to never having one without a marriage. Yet I lay awake staring at my beautiful six-year-old daughter with guilt and shame because I brought her into the world without a dad.

In today’s times, sex is just a game, a tool for feeling better about you. So when I started having sex with my daughter’s father it was not out of love or commitment, but out of a desperate need to feel wanted. I did not see him as father material and, in fact, despised the way he treated the child he already had. When your not careful and you make bad choices, shit happens and I ended up getting pregnant.

I chose to talk to one friend when I found out. I had already made the choice to terminate the pregnancy but needed to share my dirty little secret with some one. The friend I chose, I learned that night, was unable to have children and some how my decision seemed less right.

Once she was born, I was ok without having a father in her life. As she got older she would ask about her dad but I always had some magical answer that seemed to soothe her. When she was three my close friend and ex-boyfriend came back into my life. I refused to let him have anything to do with my daughter. I know the dating world and was not about to let my daughter see one man after another walk in and out of my life.

Things were different with him, we had history, and after years he convinced me to let him into our little family. We bought a house, got married, and my daughter called him daddy. During his time with us he underwent a lot of changes, I have a gift with empowerment. One major change was his weight. At the start he weighed 545 pounds and after 3 1/2 years of coaching and mentoring he was down to 350. Somewhere along the lines he changed and it became less about him wanting to be part of this family and more about meeting new women, going to clubs, and being free. He wanted to live life and we were just the rehearsal.

He sat my daughter down today to explain to her that he couldn't be her daddy anymore, only her friend and that soon he would be moving out of the house and out of her life forever. My six year old said nothing, shocked, hurt, rejected. He misread this for denial and made her repeat to him that he was not her father to make sure she understood. She is broken, I am broken, and I feel nothing but the deepest sorrow and regret that the one thing I longed most for in life, I could not give to my daughter.

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